So, not only did we completely fail to destroy Christmas this time around (maybe 2013!), the world failed to end like it was supposed to. Jeez, 2012. Way to go out on a bum note, by letting us all live.
Still, I'm sure that whole "Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead" thing will totally happen.
Of course, the dumb 2012 apocalypse isn't the only dumb apocalypse in recent memory. In 1999, a lot of dumb people though there would be an apocalypse. (As a general rule, if you think there's going to be an apocalypse, you're kinda dumb.) However, the millennial dumbness did result in one really good movie: Don McKellar's Last Night.
But mostly it resulted in some really bad movies, such as The Omega Code...
...and this week's feature. Here's to hoping the world ends after all.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Ziad Ezzat, and Maura Sipila hope that day ends before it begins.
December 30, 2012
End of Days
More like the end of Schwarzenegger's career, amirite? Zing!
Apocalyptic wackiness ensues.
Sherilyn Connelly, Ziad Ezzat, Maura Sipila, and other dayenders.
Well, shoot. Thus far, neither It Happened One Christmas nor The Nutcracker in 3-D have destroyed Christmas. What gives?
That battle may have been lost, but our War on Christmas rages on, even if Fox News continues to ignore us. (Why? Because they're afraid of us, that's why. Neener!)
This week's feature is not the first Christmas-themed horror film, but as near as we can tell it is the first one where a killer dresses up as Santa, beating Silent Night, Deadly Night to that punch by four years.
It also kinda slipped through the cracks compared to that film, which received a legendarily harsh review from Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert:
On the other hand, Christmas Evil did receive one of our very favorite things, the YouTube-review treatment...
...which means Christmas Evil wins. Even if we, the audience, lose.
Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, and Alexia Staniotes are not the kings of jingling.
December 23, 2012
The original killer-Santa film, and John Waters' favorite Christmas movie. Need more be said? Maybe, but we're not gonna.
Jingling wackiness ensues.
Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, Alexia Staniotes, and other wingless angels.
And so our War On Christmas continues, with a movie that by all rights should have done the job when it was released to theaters in 2010, and when we watched it last year.
But it didn't, so we'll be giving it another shot this year.
This movie also fulfills our long-standing tradition of showing at least one "family" film which is in fact truly horrifying. The picture above should give you sense of the abject terror that awaits...
...and, quite frankly, there's nothing else I can say about this movie that its German trailer doesn't:
So, yeah. Welcome John Turturro's rat-man into your nightmares, because he's going to be there for a very long time.
Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, and Tristan Buckner will probably make more testicular-trauma jokes than they really should.
December 16, 2012
The Nutcracker in 3-D
The children's story no child actually likes becomes a nighmare-inducing CGI abomination for all ages.
Unshelled wackiness ensues.
Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, Tristan Buckner, and other ballbusters.
(I wrote the following, which originally appeared on sfweekly.com in 2011. Now it's appearing here.)
This may be hard to be fathom, but in the mid-1970s, It's a Wonderful Life was not yet considered an unimpeachable holiday classic, but was instead a somewhat obscure financial flop which had just entered the public domain. Its television ubiquity was yet to be.
This is why the public didn't give two figs that the 1977 TV movie It Happened One Christmas starring Marlo Thomas (kids, ask your grandparents) was a brazen, sometimes shot-by-shot remake: because nobody really knew, or cared, about the original.
Besides, there was no Twitter or blogosphere yet. How were they going to express their righteous anger? On their CB radios? Anyway, I'm going to assume you know Life by heart. If you don't, I kinda envy you.
Space-Heaven is a patriarchy, and Joseph is a dick. (Fight pay TV!)
That's Wayne Rogers of M*A*S*H (and little else) in the Donna Reed role.
The one bit of truly inspired casting: professional slummer Orson Welles as Mr. Potter.
Orson saying "playing nursemaid to a bunch of garlic eaters and taxi drivers" may be reason enough for this movie to exist.
Who's going to jail? Not Marlo! I'm no fashion expert, but I think her clothes are a little anachronistic for 1944.
Cloris Leachman as Clara, the Goofy Guardian Angel. (You're better than that accent, Cloris.)
There's a dustup at Nick's on Earth-2.
Pottersville, Earth-2's Reeperbahn. More red lights, please!
Wayne Rogers has become a mechanic on Earth-2. Hey, at least he's not a librarian.
I honestly believe the original film's reputation is largely based on the final 10 minutes: specifically, the run down the street on Earth-1 yelling "Merry Christmas" at things and places...
...and the big-sing-along at the end. As Harry Bailey, an impossibly young Christopher Guest not only gives the worst line reading of his career, but the editing suggests that he's staring at Marlo like he wants to finish what Earth-2's Wayne Rogers started. Seriously, watch him at 0:41-0:44. It's creepy.
The rediscovery and redemption of It's a Wonderful Life pushed It Happened One Christmas into its own indefinite obscurity, and for years it was only available on Betamax...in Pottersville.
But we have our ways.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, and Tim Kay
will not be getting their wings.
The Salkinds were on a roll, man. They were on a motherfucking roll.
They had a pretty solid formula: take an existing cultural icon, like Superman or The Three Musketeers, and make a movie or three about them.
Can't go wrong, y'know? Built-in audience recognition, and if you pay exorbitant amounts of money to get name starslike Marlon Brando or Gene Hackmanthat gives the project an extra bit of respectability. Even if everybody knows that the stars in question only did the movie because of the aforementioned exorbitant sums of money. Hell, that's okay too, because it means people know you gots the money and that means they know you gots the bitches, yo!
(Though the Salkinds were Frenchmen who mostly operated in the Seventies and early Eighties, we choose to believe they spoke in Millennial faux hip-hop slang. Please don't be a hater and suggest other wise. Why you be hating?)
Admittedly, their Superman movies had turned into a textbook example of diminishing returns, with Superman III a minor financial and critical flop and the spinoff Supergirl a major financial and critical flop.
But, still! Money! Bitches! And most importantly, moxie!
Having had enough of the "caped superhero" genre, they moved on to the "hirsute, morbidly obese superhero" genre: Santa Claus. They'd pour a gazillion dollars into a movie about Santa Clausokay, it was only fifty million, but in 1984 dollars that was the same as a gazllionand it would keep the money and bitches rolling in.
Except that, because of all the money they spent on sets and special effects and whatnot, they didn't really have much left over for big stars. So they got Dudley Moore as an elf, and John Lithgow as the bad guy, an evil corporate bigwig who's only interested in money and bitches. (Meta!)
And to play Santa, they got the guy who delivered the "but we don't want the Irish" line from Blazing Saddles. Man, that was great, wasn't it? Let's enjoy it right now:
Heh. "Aw, prairie shit."
Anyway, to direct they hired Jeannot Szwarc, who'd helmed the disastrous Supergirl. But at least he knew how to take orders, unlike, say, Richard Donner. Even that limey cocksucker Richard Lester hadn't gotten a bit uppity during Superman III.
And...yeah. The movie made less than half its budget back, it did nothing for anyone's career, and as for the bitches?
Trust us, you don't wanna know.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and Rose Lacy
will stuff a lump of snark in this movie's stocking.
December 2, 2012
Santa Claus: The Movie
The guys who made the first three Superman movies try to do the same with Santa Claus. It turns out about as well
as Superman IV.
Reindeer-powered wackiness ensues.
Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Rose Lacy, and other blitzens.
For my birthday this past June, I decided to go see Prometheus.
I don't go to movies in the theater that oftenthey're stupidly expensive, and I crowded movie theater, epsecially when people talk over movies, which isn't ironic in the leastso this was kind of a big deal for me.
It was a Saturday, and my real-life girlfriend and I went to the matinee showing at the CineArts at the Empire in West Portal. We got lucky; very few people were in the theater with us, and most of them were loners who kept quiet. Perfect!
Except for the fact that Prometheus was practically drowned out by this week's feature, which had opened the night before and was playing on one of the other screens. The thudding bass (and quite a lot of treble) made it difficult to concentrate on our movie.
Still, it could have been worse. Rock of Ages was actually playing two screens over, and between us and it was The Exotic Marigold Hotel. Man oh man, did I feel sorry for the old people who just wanted to enjoy their quiet little Judi Dench film. Sucked to be them.
Speaking of things that suck, let's look at some of the YouTube reviews for this week's feature.
JeremyJahns is back, and he says that if you profess that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is the best of the Grand Theft Auto games, you're going to enjoy this movie, dude.
My make-believe girlfriend Grace Randolph first discusses the evolution of the juxebox musical...
...and then deconstructs why the movie flopped, vis-à-vis the problem of the movie star. Goddamn, she's smart when she's beuatiful.
Turn your volume down before starting Chris Stuckmann's review. Or don't start it at all. Actually, yeah, don't.
Finally, a review of the video game from IGN Entertainment. If you ask me, they didn't capture the feeling of the movie very well.
By the way, it's Alexia's birthday. Hey, all birthday movies can't be Prometheus (which we'll get to next year).
Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Tim Kay, and Alexia Staniotes
are looking forward to the first iPod musical.
November 25, 2012
Rock of Ages
There is not nearly enough cocaine in the 2010s to make Tom Cruise as a hair-metal god seem like a good idea.
REO pandemonium reigns.
Jim Fourniadis, Tim Kay, Alexia Staniotes, and other leppards.
There's a lot of reasons this movie has no reason to exist.
But the most entertaining one, far more entertaining than the movie itself, is the fact that it was supposed to be a vehicle for Zac Efron, the kid from High School Musical. He decided not to do it (resulting in many entertainment news writers using the same "cut loose" jokes in their headlines), but for some reason the movie got made anyway, starring some other guy that nobody knows who he is. Granted, Efron isn't exactly on peoples' minds these days, either.
Anyway, the movie came and went, but our friends the YouTube reviewers took note of it.
JeremyJahns gave this movie a miss altogether, but BeyondTheTrailer's Grace Randolph is here to save the day.
The review by SchmoesKnow demonstrates that putting the word "funny" in the title of your video is a warning sign.
The whattheflickshow crew is old enough to have seen the original in the theater. So am I, come to think of it, and I did.. Ouch.
I'm not convinced that Mr. Moviefone understands the difference between a "review" and a "blurb."
Nor am I convinced that MovieManMenzel even exists. He's probably just elaborate CGI.
But this movie exists, with or without Zac Efron, and we're just going to have to deal with it.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, and Maura Sipila
will not give the boy a hand.
November 18, 2012
Look, it could have been worse. They could have remade She's Having a Baby.
Pasty wackiness ensues.
Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, Maura Sipila, and other teases.
This movie raises an important question: What the hell was the deal with the Seventies?
My inclination is to say "Cocaine," but it can't be as simple as that, can it?
The apocryphal story goes like this: KISS were the one of most popular bands in the world. (Okay, that part's not apocryphal.) Given their music and on-stage theatrics and general comic-book quality, making a movie seemed to be the next logical step. Kinda like Britney Spears a couple decades later with Crossroads.
They were offered the part of the Future Villain Band in the legendary stinkburger, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Gene and the boys declined, being able to tell from a mile away that the movie would suck.
Besides, they had egos as big as their boots. They wanted to be the stars, with their name in the title and everything.
So they made Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park instead.
Shot on location at Magic Mountain, and produced by Hanna-Barbera, who gave the world Scrappy-Doo.
Gotta go with the "cocaine" on this one.
Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Jason Wiener,
do not want to rock and roll all nite.
November 11, 2012
KISS Meets the Phantom of Park
There was a time when cocaine was plentiful enough for this movie to seem like a good idea, and that time was the 1970s.
Detroit rock pandemonium reigns.
Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Jason Wiener, and other black diamonds.
Oh, Christina. You tried. I guess. If this movie qualifies as "trying."
As a species, we haven't really learned anything from Glitter, have we?
Anyhow, the most fun this movie had to offer happened before it was released, when the legendarily overrated Dita Von Teese told The Daily Express that "I just hope it is representative of what neo-burlesque is and people who see the movie arenít put off by it."
Neo-burlesque, you see. And the thing about both this movie in general and burlesque performances overall is that seeing them at all kinds puts you off of them. (I am not a fan of burlesque, in case you hadn't worked that you.)
I also adore this quote, when asked if she was going to actually see the film: "Well. I donít really go to the movie theatre often. I much prefer to see real-life burlesque shows and performances." Uh-huh. So she would always rather see a bump-and-grind than an actual movie. Sounds like a miserable existence, but hey, to each their own.
Speaking of each's own (huh?), let's enjoy some YouTube reviews of the film!
Our pal JeremyJahns says the film is exactly what you'd expect it to be.
While Jeremy Jahns represents the straight man's point of view on the film, HRSExperience has a considerably different perspective. And he takes much longer.
omgreviews123 insists that acting was really not that bad.
And over at BeyondTheTrailer, I completely approve of my imaginary YouTube girlfriend Grace Randolph's loose-fitting baby tee.
Because it keeps needing to be said, I'm going to keep saying it: remakes get a bad rap.
People say remakes are lazy and a sign of creative bankruptcy, and why can't Hollywood come up with any new ideas? (These same people made The Avengers, one of the least "new" ideas ever made, into one of the highest-grossing films ever. So.)
Here's the thing: remakes are not new. Movies were being remade as early as the 1920s. Like any other work of art, a film by defintion is a product of its time, and remaking an existing work for a new generation of viewers is a hallowed tradition. Hitchock made The Man Who Knew Too Much twice, feeling that he didn't really nail it until the second try.
And since vampires are the hot thing, vampire movies from every era are being remade, such as this week's feature. And the fact of that matter is, vampire movies have been being made since the silent era, so they've never been a "new" idea.
By the way, this week's feature already spawned a sequel, so this well's been getting drained for a long time. And let's enjoy the trailer for the sequel!
Anyway, The Ten Commandments and The Wizard of Oz (by all accounts cinema classics), were also both remakes. Are you getting the point?
The fact is, when a remake sucks, it's not because remakes are inherently sucky. It's because the vast majority of movies suck, period.
And that's where we come in.
So we give you a month of movies which suck whether they're remakes or not.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Sherilyn Connelly
are looking forward to the remake of The Avengers.
October 21, 2012
Fright Night (2011)
Because if they called it Fright Day, it wouldn't be a remake and they'd have to think of a whole new movie.
Nocturnal wackiness ensues.
Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Sherilyn Connelly, and other duskers.
Successful movies breed imitators. It's not just the way Hollywood works, it's the way global cinema works. In fact, it's more prevalent in the rest of the world than it is in America.
Case in point: the genre known as the Spaghetti Western. It started with the Sergio Leone films starring Clint Eastwood (1964's A Fistful of Dollars and its sequels), and in the late 1960s the Italian film industry went batshit crazy with them. (Y'know, kind of like the American film industry does with, like, vampires and stuff.) (Just sayin'.)
Anyway, some scholars contend that the Spaghetti Western genre began to die when the menace and grit of the Leone films gave way to comedy, epitomized by the Trinity films. The first was 1970's Lo Chiamavano Trinità... starring Terence Hill and Bud Spencer, released in America as My Name is Trinity... or They Call Me Trinity..., but always with the ellipsis, because the Italians love overpunctuating their titles.
Hill and Spencer reprised their roles in the 1971 sequel ...Continuavano a Chiamarlo Trinità, the American title of which dropped the ellipsis but added add all-caps and exclamation urgency: Trinity Is STILL My Name!
Those were the last of the of the official Trinity films, though Terence Hill did make a late-period Spaghetti Western in 1973 with Henry Fonda called My Name is Nobody, which may or may not have been intended to cash in on the titles of his previous films.
None of this has anything to do with this week's feature, but that's only because it's a very bad movie that we don't want to talk about, let alone have to watch and riff. But we will.
Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Tim Kay...
are STILL the names of your hosts this week!
October 14, 2012
Because Blade: Now There's Two Other People Who Are Not Wesley Snipes wouldn't fit on a marquee.
Untested nuclear pandemonium reigns.
Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Tim Kay, and other tripartites.
The kids these days, they don't remember how it was.
They don't know what it was like during Y2K. They don't know that not only did we have to deal with the impendng apocalypse (which the Bible totally said was going to happen on December 31, 1999, honest!), there were also all the movies which attached the word "2000" just because they could.
Like the unnecessary sequel to The Blues Brothers.
Or a Pokemon movie, for no apparent reason.
You could even throw it onto something called Ninja Mission, because it's not like anyone was going to stop you.
And though it was made in 1975 and set in the far-flung future of 2000 and thus almost had the right to have the year in the title and does not quite fit in this list, let's enjoy the trailer for Death 2000.
And we'll also try to enjoy this week's feature, but we'll probably fail.
Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Maura Sipila
are hoping Y2K hits before they have to watch this movie.
October 7, 2012
Because it's Dracula -- in the year 2000!
Stokery wackiness ensues.
Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Maura Sipila, and other millennials.
...except it's not. I keep saying it is, but I'm wrong about that. We did Titanic, after all, but I keep blocking out the memory. It's probably because I refuse to acknowledge that Titanic won Best Picture.
Therefore, hey, this is our first Best Picture winner!
As I've rambled on about at great length in the past, I could never get into any of the Tolkien books. I did enjoy the Rankin/Bass specials well enough, especially The Return of the King. And I had the soundtrack album, so of course I knew it by heart. For as fine as the actors in the Peter Jackson films are, for me, John Huston will always be Gandalf, and whoever did Frodo will always be Frodo.
Of course, all anyone really remembers are the songs, many of which were sung by a skinny human with a huge honker. (Rankin/Bass had a thing for big schnozzes.)
An argument could be made that they got a bit too much mileage out of rhyming "The wearer of the ring" and "the bearer of the ring," especially since they mean the same thing.
The most popular will always be "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way," probably because of the fact that it's a disco song. It's its own dance remix!
Gotta go with Eowyn getting all semantic up in the Witch King's grill as my personal favorite, though.
Oh, and the Rankin/Bass movie is only 97 minutes long. The Peter Jackson movie is...much, much longer. In fact, it may never end.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, and Ira Emsig will not have a whip, and may not have a way.
My family loved these books when I was growing up. I'm grown up now, and so far as I know, they still love the books, and ...
Y'know what? To heck with it. This week, I'm just going to reprint what I wrote last year about Ralph Bakshi's 1978 animated The Lord of the Rings. We'll talk about deeper things next week. Or not. Probably not. But, for now...
...oh, you kids today. You think that the seventies were all about disco and wide lapels and bell-bottoms and Star Wars. And it was about those things, yes, but it was also about a movie industry that had no clue what to do with itselfat least, not until Star Wars (and Jaws right before it) came around.
Before that, things were kinda weird. At the beginning of the decade, the studio system was breaking down, youth-oriented movies like Bonnie and Clyde and Easy Rider were huge hits, and the people with the money were casting their nets wide, trying to find something/anything with counterculture cachet which could rake in those bucks. Any bucks, really. And since "safe," "family-friendly" movies weren't doing it anymore, it was okay if the movies were a bit ribald. Risque. Racially charged, even.
That's where Ralph Bakshi stepped in.
He'd been toiling away in the animation salt mines for well over a decade when he made his first feature film in 1972, based on R. Crumb's comix character. Though it was made with independent financing, there's no way it could have been produced or distributed had the major studios not been attempting to do the same thing anyway.
It was a smash hit, the most financially successfully independently produced animated film ever (up to 1972), and also the first cartoon to get an X rating. Crumb hated it, and killed off the character in his comix in protestwhich didn't stop another producer from making a Bakshi-less sequel, The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, a few years later, since killing the character on paper didn't change the fact that he'd sold off the film rights. Nice try, Bob.
Bakshi continued on with 1973's Heavy Traffic, which combined animation with live action, his signature trick. It was a sloppy signature, but by god, it was a signature, and it continued until they stopped letting him making movies twenty years later (two words: Cool World). Anyway, Traffic delved deeper into his obsessions with ubran decay and racial stereotypes of all stripes:
1975 brought Bakshi's most Bakshi-riffic film. My video store in Fresno had a VHS copy (kept on the "Mature" shelf in our Adult section) under the name Streetfight, which I guess is supposed to be less offensive than its original title:
Is it an offensive title and/or an offensive film? I don't know. 1975 was a different timeI mean, I guess it was, I was only two years old at the time so my memories are a bit fuzzy on the subjectand we can't fairly apply our 2011 sensibilities to it.
All that said, I am willing to state that the movie's opening theme song by Scatman Crothers is awesome from a strictly musical standpoint:
I have absolutely no opinion about it from a lyrical standpoint. His scatting is great, but that's why he was called Scatman, duh.
Bakshi shifted directions after Coonstreetfightskin, moving into the now more-profitable fantasy realm with the obviously-named Wizards. It's also the first film in his career on which he's credited as the producer as well as the writer and director, so depending on your take on the auteur theory, it's the first movie for which he can be solely blamedor praised, since a lot of people love this film:
Bakshi also abandoned the combining of live-action with animation, sorta. Rather than cutting back and forth between the two or having animated characters interact with the real world, he rotoscoped Wizards within an inch of its life in the battle scenes. Since it was cheaper and more practical than doing new background or hand-drawn animation, he lifted copious battle footage from movies like Patton, El Cid and Zulu, and, well, take look for yourself. It gets particularly egregious at 1:35:
Yeah. And this was just a dry-run for his next film, The Lord of the Rings, which has lots (and lots and ohmygod lots) of barely-there rotoscoping, not to mention an attempt to squeeze the first book and a half of Tolkien's trilogy into 133 minutes. Which he possibly might have pulled off if not for what feels like six hours of fantastically ugly rotoscoping of orcs. If you've ever wondered why Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies had to be so damned long, the thorough incoherence of this movie will explain it all.
Though this film was by no means a hit, Bakshi continued to make feature films, and also produced the brilliant late-eighties revival of Mighty Mouse, which in turn unleashed John Kricfalusi of Ren & Stimpy onto the world. So he gets props for that.
Ralph Bakshi's last motion picture was released in 1992, and nobody's asked him to make one since.
Remember those two words from before?
Yep. Those are the ones.
...and, to bring it back to 2012 and this week's feature, it's amazing that Peter Jackson is getting to make any movies after the three words The.Lovely.Bones.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly,Maura Sipila, and Tim Kay are boycotting this film until Tom Bombadil returns.
I saw this movie in a discount theater in Fresno in 1987, the long-defunct Manchester Mall Cinema. If memory serves, it was on a double bill with A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. I had just turned fourteen and not accompanied by a parent or guardian, but again, this was Fresno in 1987. In other words, no big whoop.
I probably shouldn't have watched the movie at the time. Heck, I shouldn't have to watch this movie now.
But never mind me. What do YouTube reviewers have to say about it?
Here, Darkonesblessing lives up to his name by having very low lighting. Spooky! Well, not really.
The better-lit (but poorly synchronized) Slayer fan MerlinRavenSong warns you that the movie, while great, is not an accurate portrayal of vodoun.
I can't find a third review of Angel Heart, unfortunately, so instead let's enjoy KnetanB reviewing Devil Face, Angel Heart, which he describes as "The Elephant Man meets
The Killer." Oh hells yeah.
Man, I wish we didn't have to watch Angel Heart this Sunday, and could watch Devil Face, Angel Heart. But no such luck.
Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Maura Sipila, and Rose Lacy will be wearing their devil faces by the time this movie's over.
August 12, 2012
This time Mickey Rourke does very rude things to Lenny Kravitz's girlfriend in New Orleans, and Bill Cosby does not approve.
Big (yet uneasy) pandemonium reigns.
Jim Fourniadis, Maura Sipila, Rose Lacy, and other cyphers.
Oh, thank goodness we're done with those Quick 'n Cranky movies, and can finally move on to some quality entertainment!
This week's feature, for example, will be familiar to anyone who had cable in the 1980s.
It was billed at the time as the "first erotic martial arts action comedy," and also the last, because this one did it right! It has ninjas (more than nine, less than ten) and sexiness! Oh, heck, I don't need to tell you about this movie. Let's enjoy the German trailer!
For that matter, here's a German gentleman expounding on the film for many minutes (more than twelve, less than thirteen).
What he said! Finally, after the pain that was "Vin Diesel drives cars" month, we're getting back to the good stuff. I, for one, couldn't be happier.
EDITED TO ADD: I have been informed by several parties that this week's film is in fact not 9 1/2 Ninjas, but instead 9 1/2 Weeks, in which Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger have lots of icky 80s sex. Oh. Feh.
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Dan Foley may crack within 9 1/2 minutes.
August 5, 2012
9 1/2 Weeks
Mickey Rourke does very rude things to Kim Basinger, and to the audience.
About five fortnights of wackiness ensues.
Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Dan Foley, and other weeklings.
It's not surprise that this franchise was running out of ideas by now.
I mean, jeez, after replacing words with numerals in the first sequel, then going back to the original name for the second sequel but adding "Tokyo Drift" at the end, thus suggesting that maybe it's actually another movie entirely...
...it's enough to make you think that maybe they should have just given up entirely.
But, nope, they kept at it. What I don't get is why they decided to name the fourth film after a shady, failed government spy operation.
Wow. That was a toughie. And there's four more of these movies to get through? Yikes.
This first sequel is directed by John Singleton, who's post-Boyz N The Hood career has pretty much come to define "sophomore slump." And considering that Boyz N The Hood starred Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube, it may be time for a critical reapprisal.
Anyway, since people watch these movies for the sparkling dialog, some guy on YouTube was kind enough to compile all the film's japes, witticisms, and especially the bon mots.
Huh. Then again, maybe people like these movies for all the cars that go vrooooooooom!
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, and Ziad Ezzat will supply the japes, witticisms, and bon mots, thank you very much.
July 8, 2012
2 Fast 2 Furious
More of the same! Except it's numerical now.
Geometric pandemonium reigns.
Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, Ziad Ezzat, and other notations.
A few things you should know before we move forward with this month.
First off: This week's movie exists, as do its sequels, all of which we'll be watching.
Next, this movie has the same title as a movie from 1955. That movie from 1955 is called The Fast and the Furious, just like this week's movie, which is what "having the same title" means. Jeez, try to keep up, will ya?
That 1955 movie (quick, what's the movie called? Write your answer in the comments!) was Roger Corman's third credit as a producer, while 2011's Piranhaconda is his 396th credit, which means based on the experience Corman gained between them, Piranhaconda is 132 times better than the The Fast and the Furious. That's just math.)
The film (1955's The Fast and the Furious, not 2011's Piranhaconda) is watchable in its entirety below. So watch it in its entirety, why don't you?
On second thought, don't.
But do come down to The Dark Room this Sunday and riff on 2001's The Fast and the Furious with us, won't you?
Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Alexia Staniotes will be quick and cranky.