March 23, 2008 Missing in Action Chuck Norris plays a one-man army cleaning up Vietnam. Fun fact: things you've read on the internet about Chuck Norris may not be entirely true. Wooden pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, Jerome Skaggs and other texas rangers.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

screenshot ganked from cinépatas

(death wish 3)

As Roger Ebert tells it, Swedish director and beret aficianodo Ingmar Bergman was visiting the set of a Charles Bronson western.

"Please explain to me what you are doing," he said to Bronson.

"Well," said Bronson, "this is a scene where I get shot. So I'm wearing these squibs with fake blood under my shirt, and—but you know all this stuff. You're a director."

"No, no, please continue," Bergman said. "This is all new to me."

Bronson replied, "You mean you don't use guns in your pictures?"

"...or are you just happy to see me?"

That pretty well sums up the appeal of Charles Bronson as an action hero, especially in the eighties. He wasn't a hunk of beefcake like Stallone or Schwarzenegger, or a martial arts expert like Chuck Norris. He was a sinewy, middle-aged guy with what a looked like a bad rug but was probably his own hair.

Sometimes attitude is even more intimidating than physique: he was a badass who believed in guns, and wasn't afraid to use 'em.

It also helped that he got into the shoot-'em-up genre when it was still new in the seventies, with the original Death Wish, in which his character was a pacifistic liberal who got...pushed...too...far!

By the time this sequel appeared, he was just a killing machine who, um, killed people. (You know, bad people.) That was perfect for the eighties, since video stores were desperate to fill their shelves with familiar product, like sequels which guaranteed action. The average customer wouldn't spend five bucks at a movie theater to watch Charles Bronson blow away punks, but two bucks for a three night rental? Totally.

And maybe, just maybe, that's enough.

Spending five bucks to listen to your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em and Gerri Lawlor riff on it, however, is your best entertainment value.

March 16, 2008 Death Wish 3 Charles Bronson plays a one-man army cleaning up the streets. (Not the same streets as Cobra.) Fun fact: the first Death Wish was based on a book. This one was not. Wackiness of few words ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Gerri Lawlor and other brave ones.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

(commando)

Ruthless Reviews, whose Ruthless Guide to 80s Action was the inspiration for this month's theme (thanks, guys!), pretty much nails it about this movie: it's kinda gay.

And we don't mean that in a bad way, either. We here at Bad Movie Night are all about teh gaye. Quite a few of us are big huge flaming queerbots and proud of it.

I'm a dyke and not a big fan of the manmeat, but I (that is to say, me) even work as a webmonkey at a gay porn website. I'm surrounded by it, and I know it when I see it.

spot the anal symbol(s)!

So, yeah. We don't mean it in the post-modern South Park revived pejorative sense.

We mean, this movie is gay.

Like, full of bare-chested musclemen carrying large, phallic weapons. (Is there any other kind?) A sneering villain who looks like Freddy Mercury, complete with leather pants a chain-mail vest.

Oh, and Dan Hedaya as a bad guy. The boys, they love them some Hedaya.

If you need further proof, the sweaty, pumped-up man holding the big gun is why you had to get rid of your car after it failed its smog check.

Think about it. It don't get much gayer than that.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and Geekboy are not running for governor.

March 9, 2008 Commando Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a one-man army fighting homoerotic bad guys who've kidnapped his daughter. Fun fact: if you think Alyssa Milano is hot in this movie, that makes you a statutory rapist. This counts for Teen Steam as well. Pumped-up pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and other girlymen.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

screenshot ganked from i-mockery

(cobra)

You kids today with your iPods and your hula hoops and your poodle skirts and your CGI superhero movies may find this hard to believe, but once upon a time, people flocked to see movies where beefy men with guns killed a lot of people.

(Well, they weren't always beefy; check back in two weeks for Charles Bronson in Death Wish III.)

But these movies were a big deal. It was all we had, okay?

Hey, the Eighties were a weird time. Us miserable souls who lived through it—or, worse, grew up in it—still haven't quite figured out what happened.

spot the phallic symbol!

Anyway, for a few decades they were relics, relegated to video store shelves and the occasional revival at community theaters doing weekly public mockeries of so-called "bad" movies. (Which we don't condone. You shouldn't make fun of movies.)

Then Sylvester Stallone made new Rocky and Rambo films, and then he said this in a press conference:

"I think Cobra could have been kind of interesting on a certain level only because I always saw him as Bruce Springsteen with a badge! That character would've been nice to go back to."

We here at Bad Movie Night are pretty sure "would've been" was just a slip of the tongue. (Did anyone else just a mental image of Stallone's tongue slipping? Ew ew ew! Gross!) Surely, he meant to say "will be nice to go back to."

That's right, folks. Cobra II is on the way.

And we'll be ready for it.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Jerome Skaggs are the strong arm of snark.

March 2, 2008 Cobra Sylvester Stallone plays a one-man army cleaning up the streets. Fun fact: Stallone turned down Beverly Hills Cop to do this movie. Seriously. Axe-wielding wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband, Jerome Skaggs and other people who turned down Beverly Hills Cop.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

(blue hawaii)

So we end where it all began.

Sort of. Released in 1961, this wasn't Elvis's first movie.

It was his eighth. (Eighth! Jesus.)

But it set the formula: exotic locations, pretty girls, bad jokes, worse songs, and almost nonexistent scripts.

"i now pronounce you a bad movie."

The sad thing is, it worked. Those movies, the majority of them, were big hits.

Elvis tried to break out occasionally, to do more serious movies like Flaming Star or Charro! or The Number 23, but they flopped.

So he was mostly stuck with these until he finally quit making movies altogether in 1969.

In spite of trying (see: Paradise, Hawaiian Style), they never quite recreated the box-office magic of this movie, his biggest hit. It's possibly the least suckiest, too.

And if you disagree with us, Elvis will spank you.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, and Sherilyn Connelly would happily be spanked by Elvis.

February 24, 2008 Blue Hawaii Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in Hawaii. His father wants him to work at the Great Southern Hawaiian Fruit Company, but Elvis doesn't wanna. It's like Shakespeare in tiny shorts. Pandemonium reigns on the big island. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, Sherilyn Connelly and other rock-a-hula babies.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

(viva las vegas)

Here we go again: some people got upset that we're doing this movie. It's the good one, they say.

The thing, is, actions have consequences. And nothing has had more dire consequences than the movies of Elvis Presley.

As though Harum Scarum leading to the War on Terror wasn't enough, this week's feature is responsible for even greater atrocities.

Countless covers of the theme song, for example. Yeah, the Dead Kennedys and Springsteen both did it, but that doesn't make the hurt go away.

but you really love her for her mind, right?

Or the fact that every second-rate movie (and a few first-rate ones) about Las Vegas trots it out.

Then there's the issue of the film itself, which is so lacking in a story that it makes Clambake look like Harold Pinter.

Not to mention it uses the damn song, accompanying the same damn footage, three times.

But, no.

All that is excusable, more or less.

But the sin which this movie may never live down, the reason why watching Ann-Margaret shaking her ass for an hour and a half isn't really worth it...

Six words:

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.

We rest our case.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em and Phil Darnowsky gotta whole lotta snark that's ready to burn.

February 17, 2008 Viva Las Vegas Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in Las Vegas. Also starring Ann-Margaret's ass. High-rolling wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Phil Darnowsky and other gamblers who can stop whenever they want.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

(harum scarum)

The greatest tragedy of Elvis Presley was how long he lived.

No, really. Think about it.

If he'd been killed by a mortar while he was in the army, his reputation would be spotless. He'd be hipper than James Dean.

The four movies he'd already made (Loving You, Love Me Tender, Jailhouse Rock and especially King Creole) weren't too shabby, he was still fit and sexy and his music had been mostly solid.

"what this movie needs is more tambourine!"

But, no. He had to survive, only to make another decade's worth of movies, roughly three a year. And we do mean "roughly."

He quit the movies in 1969, choosing to focus on music, fried peanut butter and banana sammiches and prescription drugs, eventually becoming the fat guy on that stamp. You know the one.

But if he'd only asploded in 1959...well, we wouldn't have this week's feature, set in the Middle East.

9/11 wouldn't have happened, either.

Okay, we're not sure about that part.

But even if this movie isn't Why They Hate Us, it couldn't have helped.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy and Mikl-Em want to go back in time and fire the mortar themselves.

February 10, 2008 Harum Scarum Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in the Middle East. This movie may not be Why They Hate Us, but it couldn't have helped. Faux-tanned pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy, Mikl-Em and other ambassadors of goodwill snark.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

poster ganked from operation clambake

(clambake)

How out of touch was Elvis in 1967?

Race riots.

Vietnam.

Jimmy Hoffa begins an eight-year prison sentence.

Bonnie and Clyde.

there is no spider-man cameo in this film.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. (Plus Are You Experienced? and The Piper at the Gates of Dawn.)

The Summer of Love in San Francisco.

China successfully tests a hydrogen bomb.

War protests.

Thurgood Marshall becomes the first black justice of the Supreme Court.

Clambake.

Wait—what was the question?

While there are no clams in this film, your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Mike Spiegelman will probably be baked.

February 3, 2008 Clambake Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in Miami. No clams are baked. Watery wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Mike Spiegelman, who probably will be baked.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

(pirates of the caribbean: at world's end)

It appears we were mistaken about Spider-Man 3.

According to the IMDB, which is never wrong about anything, this is the most expensive movie ever made.

Three hundred million.

You know how great it would be have, like, a million dollars?

That's 1/300th of what it cost to make this movie.

yeah. eyeliner. we get it.

Maybe that's why it's so long. (Heh. "Long.")

168 minutes, to be precise. In case you don't want to get out your cell phone and find the calculator (it's someone under "Tools," right? Or is it an "Application?"), we'll do the math for you:

Two hours and forty-eight minutes. Actually, we shaved off the credits at the end, so it's more like, um, two hours and fourty-four minutes.

That's a little over a million dollars per minute.

Said it before, gonna say it again: Fuck Hollywood.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy and Rhiannon Charisse will require a little over a million dollars of therapy per minute after watching this movie.

January 27, 2008 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End Johnny Depp as the eyeliner-clad pirate in a bombastic third movie which makes you shudder to think of what might have happened if The Country Bears and The Haunted Mansion hadn't flopped. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-rated Pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, Rhiannon Charisse and other law-abiding citizens.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

(transformers)

Fuck Hollywood.

No, seriously. We here at Bad Movie Night love movies (we wouldn't do this every week otherwise), but it bears repeating: Fuck Hollywood.

Here's the deal.

Transformers 2 is being produced at this very moment, and will be shat upon us sometime in 2009.

Think about that for a moment.

Originally, The Transformers was a cartoon teevee show which existed solely to sell toys. Refer to our writeup on Masters of the Universe for more on this particular phenomemon, plzkthx.

In 1986, The Transformers: The Movie came out while the series was on the air. It wasn't great, but it was better than one might expect for an animated movie based on an animated teevee series which existed solely to sell toys.

It got a PG rating, the hero died, and Orson Welles did a voice. Oh, remember that "You Got the Power" song from Boogie Nights? That's from The Transformers: The Movie.

We kid you not:

Twenty years later, the director of Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II makes a live-action version, simply calling it Transformers, in keeping with our post-literate times.

It was a big hit. (Which is not so much the fault of Hollywood so much as it is everyone who paid ten bucks to see it, but pick pick.)

So, now, he's making the second live-action movie based on a twenty year-old animated teevee series which had already spawned one animated movie.

The second one.

Fuck Hollywood.

January 20, 2008 Transformers From the director of Pearl Harbor, a low-key comedy of manners about aristocracy in Victorian England...huh? Oh. Wait. Never mind. Wackiness ensues, but batteries not included. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Phil Darnowsky, Mike Spiegelman and other hosts who are more than meets the eye.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and Phil Darnowsky are less than meets the eye.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

(spider-man 3)

This is the most expensive movie ever made.

Oh, it won't be for long. If Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace taught us anything, it's that there's always a bigger fish. Or something.

your friendly neighborhood sex machine spider-man.

But, for now, to repeat: this is the most expensive movie ever made.

No, of course we aren't adjusting for inflation. If we adjust for inflation, the most expensive movie ever made is obviously Chairman of the Board starring Carrot Top.

(Everybody knows that. Stop asking stupid questions.)

But in terms of dollars spent at the time, yeah. This movie. Most expensive. Even moreso than The Phantom Menace. No kidding.

And by the time this one's done, you'll be begging for a little Jar-Jar.

The webslingers are the only organic part of your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, and Geekboy.

January 13, 2008 Spider-Man 3 A spore from outer space turns Spidey into a sex machine to all the chicks. Pandemonium Raimis. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, Geekboy and other organic webslingers.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

(snakes on a plane)

You heard about it. You laughed about it. You probably even blogged about it, you motherfuckin' nerd.

But you didn't actually pay ten bucks to see it, did you?

Didn't think so. You probably barely even remember that it existed.

spot the phallic symbol!

But that's okay. We here at Bad Movie Night exist to make sure you get a chance to see internet-famous financial flops which you'll probably never get around to putting in your NetFlix queue.

There will be "Safety Instruction" pamphlets available, and also in the house for our Let's-Get-2008-Over-With feature will be members of the Suspension of Disbelief Society (SODS) in flight suits and Captain's uniforms, and maybe even a stewardess. (If there isn't, blame Mikl-Em, plzkthxbye.)

And, of course, motherfucking snakes on the screen. But you knew that.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis and Mikl-Em evidently have not yet had enough of the motherfucking snakes.

January 6, 2008 Snakes on a Plane The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by motherfucking snakes. Slithery wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Phil Darnowsky, Mikl-Em and other bad motherfuckers.